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I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.” ― Chelsea Handler “He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.” ― Chelsea Handler, “I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet.

” ― Chelsea Handler, “My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.” ― Chelsea Handler, “I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis. It's Me, Chelsea” ― Chelsea Handler “My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.” ― Chelsea Handler “Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out.

That's just a chance you have to take.” ― Chelsea Handler, “Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.” ― Chelsea Handler “My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being.

It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.” ― Chelsea Handler, “My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting.

He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.” ― Chelsea Handler, “I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor.

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That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. The bouncer.” ― Chelsea Handler, “Are you there vodka? Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” ― Chelsea Handler, “Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? Check out Chelsea Handler's appearance, where she talks about how "fire crotches" just aren't her thing! “At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew Mc Conaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it.

Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head.

He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch? If I did, I'd have no friends.” ― Chelsea Handler, “Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.” ― Chelsea Handler, “I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it.

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