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Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! Pascal The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! Prolog You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer? You know how to say, "I can't go swimming -- I've eaten less than 2 hours ago." in 5 languages. SNOBOL If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. Unix % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm: .o: No such file or directory % ls Visual Basic You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Software Engineering Glossary of Computer Product Terminology NEW: Different colors from previous version. DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget. UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because: 1. Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. " One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore? Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.

No one but their creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. You spend hours prioritizing your list of questions you'd like to ask Commander Data if you ever meet him in person. At the local Radio Shack, you're greeted like Norm at Cheers. You're the head A/V technician on a space ship behind Hale-Bopp. You receive a grant from the International Plaid Foundation. You're 42 years old and you use the word "Wookie" at least a dozen times a day. Slim Jims and Ding Dongs form the base of your nutrition pyramid. Seven years, million, and your new high-tech house still ain't done. You have electrical tape holding your contact lenses together. You prefer to be thought of as an "artist who works in the medium of ASCII." 6. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new car and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream.

One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version. ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it. Ice Cream Troubles For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...

Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better one. These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. You're not geeky at all, and neither are your kids: Mc Coy, Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty. Your first and only attempt at foreplay ended abruptly when your own bow tie gave you a wedgie. A complaint was received by a major car manufacturer: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So, Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They did every known job But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. C++ You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Motif You spend days writing a Ul L description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scroliwork on the ivory handles of the gun. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.

They moused, They did spreadsheets, They wrote reports. They sent e-mail, They sent out e-mail with attachments. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. " Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." COBOL Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIN gun at LEG. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore? Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL prematurely? Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed in a long time. Discussions with your friends about the properties of dilithium crystals routinely lead to fistfights. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni).

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Revelation You'll shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all the bullets are for.

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