This is the "potpourri" section — a grab bag of ludicrous suggestions that range from the gustatory to the cinematic. “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body." There's a variation on this mainstay of the canon in almost every issue.
Successfully incorporating food into sex — based on my life experiences and casual surveys — is not a real thing. [When you’ve got an annoying roommate] "Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex.
"To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits." "Master" in both senses: the complicated way, like a Master's degree, and the mean way. you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)." If — unbelievably — this doesn’t work, , you shameful, unable-to-please-a-man woman.
Many women make the mistake of being too gentle." Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. The only logical step from here is to initiate something insanely complicated. "Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him." Non-acidic fruit won't burn… During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.” And don’t worry if you burp. “As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.” Huh? "As you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction." And remember ladies, forget to smile! "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body.
Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum… but it will probably feel just as weird and pulpy as it sounds. "We rounded up a bunch of super-sexy tricks just for [your breasts]. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts." He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot. "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… Then lick it off." How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it?Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times." If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him a heated stare and say, "I crave you" — you know, to clear things up. "34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door." The other two-thirds might think it's alarmingly precalculated, but that's a risk worth taking. "Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men." I think that means you are one married man and two standard deviations from overthinking foreplay. If these don't skyrocket your pleasure (and have him drowning in drool), we don't know what will." I pride myself on keeping up with the international register of erotic terminology, but somehow "drowning in drool" slipped right by me. "Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)." Your vadge is a hog, women. And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting?However, after Googling it, I did learn that it accounts for 23% of nocturnal deaths among St. …Yowzah." When this sounds spicy, you have hit new heights of erotic boredom. Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus? "Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in." Definitely wait for a special night. "Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple," and ask your man to lick it off." Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a . Now that we’ve entered fully into the sexual universe, we need a contingency plan.
‘s 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips @nerve" data-url=" " data-counturl=" class="twitter-share-button".Throughout my long tenure writing Ridiculous Tips For A Miserable Sex Life, I've taken aim at various targets, but one publication stands out as a bastion of weird and wacky sex advice — always chipper, always in a numbered list, and always ill-advised.