In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption. Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day...
And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.
When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning! Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else. They have to keep the plus 2 sword from the chaotic evil thief lord. Dave: [reading Bill's letter] "Dear everyone, if Dave is reading this to you, I have either been fired or I have passed away.
He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students? Catherine: [reading the news] Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail. And the hobbits and the gnomes, they're dancing to and fro.
I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right?
Since my formidable talent would preclude the former, I'll have to assume that the latter is true.
[Matthew takes the notes and passes them out.] Matthew seems like the ablest man for this very challenging task. The fact that you trusted me enough to share a few of your secrets with me means a lot.
I go on the air every eight minutes and say "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. I can't tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. " And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."Dave: According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question.
Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. Dave: I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. " and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?
Someone please explain that one to Matthew later."Dave: Thanks. Attached please find envelopes containing personal notes for everyone.
He continues: "I know this is strange, but I just want to make sure my final wishes are observed. Jimmy, get your best people on this one, if you would. Please have them distributed to the appropriate parties.