Only losers use dating sites

She has to be a great conversationalist, smart, witty, funny, and “not get embarrassed easily.” (Why are we specifying this?

Again, troubled.) She has to be into sports – playing sports and watching sports – and be able to kick back with the guys.

I’m turning 30 in a few months, and I recently realized I’m now at the age I made a lot of promises about in the past.

One of those promises was that if I was still single at 30, I’d try online dating.

It seems dubious to me too, but let’s continue as if it’s true. The real kicker here is the type of girl they are all looking for.

The majority of guys on the site go on and on about all of the outdoor adventure activity they do, including mountain climbing, ziplining, white water rafting, bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, someone even talked about alligator wrestling. Now on my profile, I checked off the box saying that I want someone who wants kids and who’s single (… And I wrote out by hand that I am looking for an easy-going, honest, passionate guy.

I’ve had an onslaught of terrible dating experiences in the last year (including someone who turned out to be a drug dealer, someone who was mad I didn’t want to come hang out at his bedbug-infested apartment, and a commitment-phobe friend who constantly appears to be doing an uncanny Jekyll and Hyde impression). (Wow.) There’s no end to what I could write about my experiences on Match.com, and I’ve only been on the site for a week.

She also has to be ambitious, be smart and successful, be educated and have a great job, be family-oriented, be career-driven, want to have (and, unspoken, take care of) kids, knows how to take care of herself (I can only assume this means that she’s thin and has highlights and gets manicures), be outdoorsy, like to be outside all the time (these are apparently two different things), like to camp and hike, be “active” and work out frequently, did I mention beautiful? , like all different kinds of foods and be willing to try – AND LIKE, GODDAMNIT – any kind of exotic food, not be pessimistic or complain, be loyal and honest, not be self-conscious about anything (… Do you sincerely think you can find all of this in one person? (Not that you’d be into her, since she’s athletic and toned and probably doesn’t have time for parachuting with all those babies in tow.) It’s this bad, and I haven’t even been on a date yet.

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